Grief is unpleasant.  Grief is heartbreaking.  Grief is HARD.

Written by Memorial Mortuary & Cemeteries in-house grief counselor, Amanda Nelsen:

But grief is also natural. We should be heartbroken when someone we love dies.  We should be sad and lonely when death takes a dear friend.  It doesn’t mean it’s easy to feel those emotions, but it is a normal human experience .

What does it mean to grieve normally?

The other day someone forwarded me this article, “ Bright colours at funerals are unfair to children. ” To sum up the article, Colin Brazier, a well known newscaster, lost his young wife to breast cancer.  He wrote an article in the newspaper asking for people to wear black and said it was, “…unfair [to his] children to insist a funeral should mean rejoicing in a life now passed.”

His article brought up quite a bit of discussion about what was and wasn’t appropriate for grief in our current culture.  While I don’t think that black is the only proper thing to wear to a funeral, I do agree that funerals have become too much of a celebration in an attempt to bypass mourning.

I see far too many clients who feel that something is wrong with them because they are going through the natural grieving process.  These clients feel guilty because they are getting messages from society that they shouldn’t be sad – they should be able to celebrate and “move on.”

What do the experts say?

Dr. Alan Wolfelt, an expert in grief, says, “Unfortunately, our culture tends to encourage the denial of pain.  If you openly express your feelings of grief, misinformed friends may advise you to  ‘carry on’ or ‘keep your chin up.’   If, on the other hand, you remain ‘strong’ and ‘in control,’ you may be congratulated for ‘doing well’ with your grief.  Actually, doing well with your grief means becoming well acquainted with your pain.”

Of course we don’t want to feel pain, but it is what grief and mourning demands.  If we try and skip the pain, we will most likely find ourselves in more pain down the road.  I understand the appeal of having a “celebration of life” instead of a funeral, but I would recommend holding the celebration in conjunction with the funeral, not in lieu of a funeral.

To return to the discussion about Mr. Brazier and him wanting an appropriately sad funeral to be “fair” to his children; I do believe he is making the right choice.  We want children to know it is okay to be sad when a loved one has died.  Indeed, that sadness is often an expression of love and we should mourn the lives of those most dear to us.

Amanda is a Clinical Mental Health Counselor, specializing in individual and family therapy for people of varying backgrounds. She works for Memorial Estates, running their Grief & Loss Counseling program.

She has extensive experience working with adolescents and families in the community. Amanda received her Master’s Degree in Educational Psychology from the University of Utah. There she focused on Multicultural and Client Centered Counseling.

Amanda started her career working for Salt Lake County Youth Services, serving families from all backgrounds and with a wide variety of issues. She further developed her passion for helping people recover and heal from trauma and loss.

In counseling, Amanda values the trust and safety of the therapeutic relationship. She creates a counseling environment full of compassion, safety, empathy, and understanding. She constantly strives to help to cultivate strong relationships and assist families to cope with the loss of a loved one. Through her open attitude, and the warm environment that she facilitates, families can begin to feel peace as they work through their bereavement.

Memorial Utah, with the help of Amanda Nelsen, is committed to helping you through the loss of your loved one. You may contact Amanda at (801) 718-1520 or amanda.nelsen@securitynational.com

The post Normal Grieving appeared first on Memorial Mortuaries.